Work in Progress

"Do you think there is a way my family can let me go?"

This is what I asked over the phone, on the night I realized I no longer want to exist in this world.

I was thirty-five years old,

unemployed,

single and platonic,

lacking friends in town,

and dealing with a raising rent.

Although I grew up with everything one could wish for, I found myself staying barely afloat by the occasional barista gig and the rare casual relationship. 

I felt I've been hitting the same brick wall over the past 10 years, and I've had enough. 

However, departing the world didn't feel fair towards my family, who invested so much love and energy in me over the years. They deserve so much better.

So I rang up two good friends and asked them the above question, looking for a way out. 

Understandably, they were rather stumped, and unable to offer meaningful wisdom that soothed my sentiment. But they were there, and they listened. 

My immense frustration was a result of my issues and patterns I felt stuck in. So I concluded that if I were to continue living, I had to change in a significant way.

In a heart-to-heart conversation with a friend, they shared with me that they started dealing with their own mental issues once realizing that they are alone and no one else is coming to their aid. 

I initially found it a dark point of view, but ended up adopting a version of this approach. 

While I don't believe we are ever alone, I accept that it is only up to me to own and lead the effort to change. And only once I set the course, I can then rely on people to be there for me and support my efforts.

But in order to have the emotional capacity to change and growth, I realized that first I must tend to my basic needs and create stability in my life. 

The week following my existential crisis, in parallel to creating a stabilizing routine, I began reflecting on my issues.

I wrote down the main issues that bother me, and drilled into each one by asking 'Why?' repetitively until I reached a core issue.

Most briefly, the core issues I identified are:

• Anxiety

• Tendency to focus on the negative

which are expressed in the following symptoms:

• Physical tension at idle times

• Worry at idle times

• Indecisiveness

• Inability to instill confidence in others

• Inability to be positive upbeat and humorous.

• Inability to build confidence

and these impact:

• Relationships with family

• Relationships at work

• Performance at work

• Functioning during crisis

• Partner attracting and approaching

• Self actualization efforts

• Bedtime

Once my core issues were defined, I started a nerdy spreadsheet to list potential approaches to each issue.
I brainstormed, scoured the internet, consulted with AI, and opened up to my family and friends to ask for advice and ideas.
The list of potential approaches began to accumulate. I wrote everything down, even the things that made me cringe. Because cringe can be a sign of the right path sometimes.
Thus began the long journey of trying things, identifying my own personal path, and fine-tuning the specific methods that work for me.

Some of the activities I marked for exploration are:

Support practice

• Psychologist

• Psychiatrist

• Dietitian

• Support groups

• Social workers

• Therapists of specific methods.

Mindfulness practice

• Yoga

• Chi Gong

• Meditation course

• Gratitude journal

Presence practice

• Improv theater

• Acting
  
  

The exploration goes on. Some activities crashed and burned, some activities stuck for a while, and some made it to the routine.
I regard even one-time experiences as progress.

I am better. Not perfect. But grateful to be significantly more stable,  with experience just the sporadic down, and a lot more focused on working on myself.
When I do get down, I try to practice self love.
I ease up the day as much as possible and try take care of my physical self; sleep, food, getting out.
I try to avoid doom scrolling and call someone if I feel on the verge of spiraling.
I might go on a walk outside, with music in my earbuds, and try to focus on the sensations in the moment.  Perhaps sit somewhere pleasant and journal to try to understand what brought me down.

I try to remind myself that soup isn't consumed in one gulp. It took me years to get here, and it will likely take years to get there. 

But I'm already enjoying the impact of the tiny habits, that will one day create a more resilient self.